Sex (or Something Like it)

Imagine you’re in the middle of getting it on when you hear someone banging on your bedroom door. Turns out your toddler really needed a drink of water 15 minutes after you put them to bed. You rush to put clothes on (hopefully not inside out), get your unsuspecting kid a drink and put them back into bed. You run back to your room where your spouse is waiting for you. You close and lock the door, strip back down again and attempt to pick up where you left off. Now you hear the voice of your toddler again, but this time it’s coming from their room. You try to ignore them, but they get louder and louder. You angrily put some clothes back on and quickly walk to your child’s room to ask them what on earth they need now. They inform you that you forgot to tuck them back in and kiss them goodnight. You’re frustrated, but to avoid further delays you’re obliging. Now you’ve done your parental duty, so you rush back to your room. Your spouse is still waiting patiently for you and you try for round three. Things seem to be going well. So well in fact that you’ve now attracted the attention of your curious dog, who until now was asleep on the floor at the foot of your bed. All of a sudden you feel a cold, wet nose on your ass and that makes you jump. You shove your confused dog off of the bed. You try desperately to regain your sexual momentum, but no dice. The mood has been wrecked. Your spouse is exhausted. You’re exhausted. You’ll just have to try again some other time. Welcome to married life.

I wish I wasn’t speaking out of experience, but I am. It’s the sad truth about how few and far between good opportunities to have sex are when you’re the parents of young kids. It’s like they have some kind of evil radar system that goes off in their little brains if their parents think about trying to have sex. It definitely makes things challenging. So is there hope? Sort of. To make uninterrupted sex work in a house with kids, you either have to get creative with your timing, or you have to put a lock on your bedroom door. A combination of both is recommended.

I personally think it’s more difficult to have sex once you have older kids in the house because there’s a chance that they know what you’re doing, which begins a vicious cycle of psychological warfare for you. When your kids are little, they have no idea what’s happening. They are blissfully unaware. For example, our oldest son waltzed into our room once while my husband and I were “enjoying each other’s company” under the sheets. Apparently we forgot to lock the door. He was only about 3 at the time. He had no idea what we were doing and he didn’t bother asking. He just needed to say hi and then he was back to whatever he had previously been up to. Those were the good old days.